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Guest Post: I'm Too Sexy For My Black Lycra Gown

Today's nifty LambAround post was provided by Kristy from Pampers and Pinot. She is one funny gal (don't believe me? Look at her cross-eyed, tongue out photo on her blog!) I had some swimsuit anxiety myself a few summers ago, which resulted in me buying a ridiculously overpriced swimsuit from Victoria's Secret. I figured that if there was anyone who could make me look good in a swimsuit, they could (Nope, just a big RIP OFF! Damn you, Victoria's Secret.)


Thank you to LambAround for allowing me to guest blog on her site! I recently discovered LambAround and was instantly drawn in by her originality and witty sense of humor. Besides, who wouldn’t be instantly intrigued by reading about adventures with Sexy Nerd?

I am Kristy from Pampers and Pinot. I started blogging in January and have had a blast “meeting” people and following my passion – writing! I believe that there is absolutely no better way to spend your time than by laughing (and drinking wine). I believe that mothers need to connect with each other and be fearlessly honest about the ups and downs of motherhood. I believe that Supermom is a Myth and the more we dispel that myth, the more comfortable we’ll be in our own skin, mothering from our own hearts.

I am Mama to Parker, who just turned two years old. Me and Parker, we’re like peas and carrots. If you know me already, you have also read that Parker has other names as well, like my bub, maniac, and angel boy.

Well, I think that is really all the intro you need! I chose to share with you one of my earlier posts that deals with the gifts our children give us (20 extra pounds) and reminds us of the more important things in life. . .

I’m Too Sexy for my Black Lycra Gown








For crying out loud, people, why can’t it be normal to wear gowns as a swimming suit? And if this can’t be normal, then why can’t cellulite and varicose veins be considered beautiful? You may ask, “Why is Kristy ranting so?”

Well, you guessed it.

I did a little swim suit shopping today.

Well, I did a little swim suit shopping in my own home. I ordered a variety of one-pieces with new “magic” sucking-in technology, some with skirts attached, some with detachable skirts, some with sashes and things that can serve a variety of functions (the primary function being DISTRACTION from above-mentioned cellulite, veins, and bulgy things).

I did end up choosing one that caused the least amount of psychotic babble. I sounded like my son, repeating over and over, “Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, dear.”

There is a bit of relief in at least having the damn thing chosen. Now the only step left is to buy a few bottles of self-tanner and wonder just how much I can slather on to make a difference in the appearance of my pasty legs.

You may ask, “Why is Kristy so worried about this in February in Colorado with snow on the ground?”
Well, Spring Break is coming, and no, I am not going to do what I secretly and guiltily picture myself doing sometimes (dancing on the beach, too drunk to care what I look like, and being wildly excited that “Shoop” by Salt N Pepa just came on. I can here you now, ladies! “Here I go, here I go, here I go again! What’s my weakness? Men!”).

I digress.

My family’s plan for Spring Break is visiting the extended fam in Phoenix, and of course, spending some time at the pool. And here’s the thing, in spite of the body and swim suit issues, I am really, truly looking forward to taking my son to the pool. Parker loves the water. It will be great to see his little two year old face light up when he goes to the pool for the first time again since last summer. I’ll be damned if I let my own insecurities get in the way of having fun with my child. I’ll be the one at the pool, in a black Lycra gown, holding my precious two year old. I’ll have a big silly grin on my face, living it up, and enjoying the best things in life. It took me many years and one child to realize that the BEST things in life are not tanned, toned thighs and a flat stomach. The best things in life are the people you love and who love you (cellulite and all).


Comments

  1. Wear that swimsuit with pride!! Being sexy doesn't mean being perfect...it means being happy with who you are!!

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  2. Ain't that the truth. Amen to this post. You've almost (almost) made me want to go unearth my swimsuit and see if it still fits!

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  3. Lovely thought, sweetie....now, if we can only get the rest of the world to believe it...and to stop looking at our bulges!

    I do believe we need to invent something outrageous to put on top of our heads for the summer....specifically to detract attention from the rest of our bodies...

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  4. I haven't had any children yet, but I have considered getting the surf suits that people way and trying to convince people it's the next best thing in swim wear. But I agree, you should be able to wear you suit and have a good time. You have the best gift (Parker) for your badges of honor.

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  5. Swimsuits are evil. I don't like them. But it's true, we do all kinds of things for our kids. Like wear bathing suits cellulite and all.

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