Trolled By My Grandma

My grandma lives in Australia, so I rarely saw her growing up. When we did interact, it was always a bit jarring because I'd turned her into a stereotype in my mind. Grandmas are sweet, little old ladies who bake cookies and are always nice to you no matter what, right? For a while, I thought my grandma was mean. Just look at these comments she has posted on my Facebook page:

Me: Construction has been going on for MORE THAN A YEAR. I emailed our builder this morning with a few holiday-related questions, such as if they'll be working on our house at all next week. He blew off all my questions and ignored me, but did have his wife reply to request we pay our latest construction loan installment early to avoid any holiday-related delays.

Nana: Ratbag.

What kind of little old lady calls someone a ratbag? She's one tough grandma! The love is there though. Here I am, causing my poor grandma all kinds of worry:

Me: In an effort to avoid the single supplement and still travel when Sexy Nerd has to work, I need to find a cruise buddy. The ideal candidate is someone who is likable even when we're crammed into a sardine can stateroom for weeks at a time. Smelly folks need not apply.

Nana: Risky???

(I'd intended for a Facebook friend to take me up on the offer - not a complete stranger!)

Now that I'm old (yes, old), I've come to appreciate my grandma's teasing sense of humor, especially because, let's face it, it runs in the family. I just need to keep reminding myself of this when she's trolling me on Facebook. My equally difficult mom doesn't understand what possesses my grandma to say these things. IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY, MOM.

Me: Mixed feelings about my initial sleep study consultation today. It could change my life, but it's insanely expensive and the front desk has a giant cross on the wall with the words "Look to Jesus". If I look to Jesus without paying the $1,000, will he still cure my insomnia?

Nana: Why you can't sleep...guilty conscience?
Me: Sexy Nerd is unconvinced, but how amazing would this be for our new house?

Nana: Thank God for Sexy Nerd.
Me: F YOU, SNOW! Instead of a 4 course date night at Scalo, we're having mac and cheese at home.

Nana: That's no language for a lady.
Me: Gray isn't really our style. Sexy Nerd to the rescue! What color do you think he's painted our new exterior lights?

Nana: Well, come on. Break the awful news.
Me: It's a good thing my mom stopped by our house tonight, as the builder went home with the door still open. I'm pretty sure if I'd left work today with our office door open, I'd be out of a job tomorrow. Oh, and she says it doesn't look like anything has been done since she saw it last week. So ready for construction to end! 

How can anyone justify taking 15 months to build a 2900 square foot house?

Nana: Tell me that is not the final paint colour for the doors.

Me: It wasn't going to be, but because you said you liked it on the lights, I decided to run with it.

Nana: I lied.
Me: One of the best things about our soon-to-be new house is that we can go hiking right in our own backyard. Derek wasn't willing to join me today but said I should go on my own. Then I received this photo from our yard. NOPE. I don't feel like getting my Goldilocks on, thankyouverymuch.

I've been trying to reach Sexy Nerd ever since he emailed me the photo, but no luck. You just know he followed the tracks. Let's hope he hasn't been eaten!

Nana: Hope he made it that he can repaint that door.