903 steps by 5:21pm - and I've mostly been awake since 3am
Tuesday, May 17th
I wish I could talk to someone about depression but I don't know where to start and I worry it will be too expensive and I don't want to risk being dropped from my medical insurance. I was so happy this morning and now I just feel empty and there's no reason for it and it happens all the time. Even Derek doesn't understand at all and he pretty much just ignores it. One day I'm going to lose though and there's nothing I can do to stop it and I don't want to do that to him or to my parents but the thoughts just come so naturally, like it's the most casual thing in the world that I would go sit in the car in the garage and never wake up again, like "Oh, I'll just go do that now" and I always stop myself before I even get up from my chair, but what are the odds that my crazy broken brain will or can prevent it forever? I felt great this morning. I had such a productive day. Everything in my life is perfect, so why do I feel like this all the time? It just hits me out of nowhere and I can't even do anything about it. And I can't even tell anyone. Derek doesn't want to hear it. I can't even post any of this. I'll just delete it. If people knew, they wouldn't understand. I don't even understand. I want to brush it off and say I'm just being dramatic, but I can't stop crying and I don't know why I'm crying and I can't breathe.
I don't know what to do. I'll feel better tomorrow. Writing my thoughts as they come has been helpful. I wonder when this will happen again. I hope I'm able to get some sleep tonight. That would really help. I'm so tired. I slept great two nights ago though, even after the neighbor's dog woke me up. I was really surprised. Nothing interrupted last night, but I didn't sleep all that well. Better than usual though. I've caught my breath and the tears have stopped. I'd better go put the dogs to bed.
I've been debating posting this for a few minutes. It's probably not a good idea though. I decided to send it to Derek. I typed his email address and wrote "I wasn't planning to share this with you, but I thought it might be helpful to give you some insight into my" and then worried I'll regret it. What if this is too much for him and he leaves me? What if he saves the email and uses it against me in some crazy divorce years from now? I know that will never happen, I think, but I can't risk it. He's already so good and I don't need to give him another reason why he can do better.
This has been an exhausting span of minutes. Good night.
Wednesday, May 18th
I never did show Sexy Nerd what I wrote last night, but we ended up talking about everything for hours. It fixed everything! He's like a free therapist. This morning he left for a business trip, but look at the email he sent me:
Just flying over the Grand Canyon and thinking about how I would make you look out the window to see it. I am going to miss you the next couple of nights. Last night was something special and I am glad you came and talked to me.
You are probably wondering what I am doing with my cell phone on, on a plane. It is in airplane mode, I promise.
Hey, I love you!
Isn't he the best husband ever? When we were talking on Tuesday, he even offered to cancel his business trip, which really caught me off guard. I would never want him to do that. Besides, I'm completely fine now. I just needed to get all the little stresses in my life, the ones that seem like nothing all alone but snowball together into a crushing mass, out into the open.
I am 100% better.
Sunday, May 22nd
I thought things were going to be different with Sexy Nerd from now on, but it's clear that he really doesn't understand what's going on with me. As far as I can tell, he thinks I'm back to normal again, which is weird because I don't feel normal at all. I've been trying not to let on though. I don't want to be a burden to be around. I don't want to worry him. There's no point to it anyway because this isn't something he can fix. I've been like this since long before he met me.
I guess the takeaway from this blog post is that it helps to talk to someone and that, if that doesn't seem like an option, it's also helpful to write down your thoughts. Things seem bleak and empty and pointless sometimes, but that doesn't mean they still will tomorrow. The brain can be crazy sometimes. Eat healthy, get some sleep, and try to get a fresh start tomorrow. You can always give it another try the day after that, too.
Friday, May 27th
I finally feel like myself again! :)