Skip to main content

#MyDepressionLooksLike

Spoiler alert - the tea does nothing.
Tuesday, May 17th

I wish I could talk to someone about depression but I don't know where to start and I worry it will be too expensive and I don't want to risk being dropped from my medical insurance. I was so happy this morning and now I just feel empty and there's no reason for it and it happens all the time. Even Derek doesn't understand at all and he pretty much just ignores it. One day I'm going to lose though and there's nothing I can do to stop it and I don't want to do that to him or to my parents but the thoughts just come so naturally, like it's the most casual thing in the world that I would go sit in the car in the garage and never wake up again, like "Oh, I'll just go do that now" and I always stop myself before I even get up from my chair, but what are the odds that my crazy broken brain will or can prevent it forever? I felt great this morning. I had such a productive day. Everything in my life is perfect, so why do I feel like this all the time? It just hits me out of nowhere and I can't even do anything about it. And I can't even tell anyone. Derek doesn't want to hear it. I can't even post any of this. I'll just delete it. If people knew, they wouldn't understand. I don't even understand. I want to brush it off and say I'm just being dramatic, but I can't stop crying and I don't know why I'm crying and I can't breathe.

I don't know what to do. I'll feel better tomorrow. Writing my thoughts as they come has been helpful. I wonder when this will happen again. I hope I'm able to get some sleep tonight. That would really help. I'm so tired. I slept great two nights ago though, even after the neighbor's dog woke me up. I was really surprised. Nothing interrupted last night, but I didn't sleep all that well. Better than usual though. I've caught my breath and the tears have stopped. I'd better go put the dogs to bed.

I've been debating posting this for a few minutes. It's probably not a good idea though. I decided to send it to Derek. I typed his email address and wrote "I wasn't planning to share this with you, but I thought it might be helpful to give you some insight into my" and then worried I'll regret it. What if this is too much for him and he leaves me? What if he saves the email and uses it against me in some crazy divorce years from now? I know that will never happen, I think, but I can't risk it. He's already so good and I don't need to give him another reason why he can do better.

This has been an exhausting span of minutes. Good night.

Wednesday, May 18th

I never did show Sexy Nerd what I wrote last night, but we ended up talking about everything for hours. It fixed everything! He's like a free therapist. This morning he left for a business trip, but look at the email he sent me:

Just flying over the Grand Canyon and thinking about how I would make you look out the window to see it.  I am going to miss you the next couple of nights. Last night was something special and I am glad you came and talked to me.

 You are probably wondering what I am doing with my cell phone on, on a plane. It is in airplane mode, I promise. 

Hey, I love you!

Isn't he the best husband ever? When we were talking on Tuesday, he even offered to cancel his business trip, which really caught me off guard. I would never want him to do that. Besides, I'm completely fine now. I just needed to get all the little stresses in my life, the ones that seem like nothing all alone but snowball together into a crushing mass, out into the open.

I am 100% better.

903 steps by 5:21 pm - and I've been awake since 3 am
Sunday, May 22nd

I hadn't been planning to share any of this on my site. I was just going to delete it all, like I've done so many times before. I'm not fine though. This is Day 3 of a three day weekend and I haven't accomplished anything. What a waste. Although the tears are gone, my mind is still not right. It feels like it's all fuzzy. I can't concentrate on anything and I don't have any energy or motivation. I am doing better than the other day though. Maybe by tomorrow I'll be good again.

I thought things were going to be different with Sexy Nerd from now on, but it's clear that he really doesn't understand what's going on with me. As far as I can tell, he thinks I'm back to normal again, which is weird because I don't feel normal at all. I've been trying not to let on though. I don't want to be a burden to be around. I don't want to worry him. There's no point to it anyway because this isn't something he can fix. I've been like this since long before he met me.

I guess the takeaway from this blog post is that it helps to talk to someone and that, if that doesn't seem like an option, it's also helpful to write down your thoughts. Things seem bleak and empty and pointless sometimes, but that doesn't mean they still will tomorrow. The brain can be crazy sometimes. Eat healthy, get some sleep, and try to get a fresh start tomorrow. You can always give it another try the day after that, too.

Friday, May 27th

I finally feel like myself again! :) What the hell was that all about, brain?! 

Popular posts from this blog

Amerisleep Mattress Reviews: 5 Years Later

*Disclaimer*
These Amerisleep reviews are NOT a sponsored post. Not in any way whatsoever. Unlike other "impartial" reviewers out there, I did not receive my Liberty Bed for free. All the opinions here are 100% my own.

*6/17/17 Update*  Since publishing my original review, Amerisleep has started a new referral program. If you order through my link (THANK YOU!) you'll save an additional $50 on top of other discounts and specials! There is almost always a promo code available on the Amerisleep website, so if there's not a good deal today, check back tomorrow.
If you buy through my link, that would be swell because then I'll get a referral bonus that I can use toward purchasing other memory foam products for the house we're about to break ground on hopefully any day nowwe're finally building (!!!), so placing your order through my link would be so helpful, especially as we're a bit (a lot!) over budget already. What's a better compliment than plannin…

A Blogger's Before & After Guide to Chemical Peels

A Handy "Before & After" Guide to Chemical Peels - 6/25/17 Update
Since writing my chemical peel blog review back in 2013, I've had quite a few Jessner peels (my favorite) and TCA peels. However, I've saved a ton of money over the past 6 months by doing my own chemical peels at home. At my last professional peel, I made a note of the product being used and did some research when I got home. I was able to buy the exact same one, Dermalure Jessner Solution Acid Peel 14%, from Amazon for less than the cost of a single peel. I also use Dermalure's AHA/BHA Acne Cleanser. (Apply this before the Jessner.) It's self-neutralizing, despite what the Amazon listing says, and couldn't be simpler. That said...
I'm not sure I'd recommend this to a chemical peel newbie, as you're already nervous enough the first time without the added worry of doing it yourself, but it's so convenient (and cost effective!) once you're comfortable with the chemica…

Dream Home Dreaming

*Update*
We've finally broken ground on our mountain dream home! Can you believe it? Even more surprising, we actually managed to work a good chunk of this list into our actual design.

Original post:

Sexy Nerd wants to move up building our dream home to yesterday. I still don't know what I want though! Yes, it's difficult to decide on things like paint colors, flooring, and appliances. My problem is a bit worse.

Should we build one of those adorable 500 square feet mini houses? A (budget-friendly) mansion? A charming stone cottage?

Ultra-modern??

The internet makes it easy to find great design ideas for building our dream house. The downside is that all my favorite photos combine to make an overpriced, mismatched conglomeration.

According to my Pinterest account, my dream house has:

...a dramatic front entrance...

6/25/17 Update: Our entrance is dramatic - and bright, sunshine yellow!
 ...a charming brick fireplace...

6/25/17 Update: The fireplace is stone, but it's ver…