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Snakes in the Trees (SNAKES IN THE TREES!)

Alternate Post Titles:

Never Stepping Outside Again
Are You Freaking Kidding Me?
This Was Not Disclosed at Closing
OH NO! OH NO! OH NO!

You may recall I was understandably shaken by my first snake encounter at our soon-to-be dream home. Bull snakes are stealthy little ninjas of doom! But that was nothing.

Photo from our neighborhood newsletter. You don't even see what I'm talking about yet, do you? Well, watch out! Because that's how they get you. Not every branch of that center tree is a branch.

What the hell, nature? What. The. Hell.

What I want to know is, why didn't the photographer set this tree on fire?

You think you're going to enjoy a relaxing day at a top-rated golf course, breathing in the fresh mountain air, but little did you consider each breath may be your last. These, my friend, are snakes called Red Racers. After learning they reside in my new neighborhood, I did some Googling. What do you get when you search "red racer snake"?

*Warning - not for the squeamish*
(So, I really shouldn't have watched it.)

THERE ARE SNAKES LIVING IN THE TREES, PEOPLE! Aggressive ones. I could be meandering through our 13 acres, minding my own business, and BAM - a gang of Red Racer snakes eats my face off. I think I'm going to be sick.

Our entire property is trees, trees, and more trees. Just as the snakes planned all along.

But there was still some hope for our new home and my face. The photo above of the Red Racers was taken at the golf course. I'm not going to live anywhere near the golf course! It's the grass and the water and the endless supply of unsuspecting victims that appeals to the Red Racers, right? Crisis averted.

A new issue of our friendly neighborhood newsletter recently arrived, featuring this little gem:

Do you see them, straight ahead? I'm never going to spot them until it's too late.

This photo was taken steps away from my neighbor's patio, close enough the snakes could slingshot themselves right into the house, fangs wide and red eyes gleaming.

New house rule: Never open any doors or windows at any time for any reason. If you need me, I'll be in the corner, rocking back and forth.

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