Skip to main content

@sshole Dogs

You know it's going to be bad when you arrive home from work and notice that water is flowing underneath the door that leads from the house into the garage.

water leak

Olive and Bernadette have their own doggy bedroom. It includes fittings for a sink, should we choose to install one in the future. We've never given much thought to the two metal arms jutting slightly out of the wall. 

Olive and Bernadette stay inside their room when we're not home...for reasons that are now obvious.

Naughty dogs
Photo of the exact moment our girls lost their run-of-the-house privileges. Olive was so proud of this that she greeted me with a spring in her mouth when I arrived from work. Such a thoughtful 'welcome home' present!

Horrified, I entered the house. Our hallway was full of water. Power cords were submerged. I'm no expert, but this seemed a tad dangerous. Concerned about what would greet me on the other side of the dog room door, I nervously pushed to open it...but it was stuck. That had never happened before.

I pressed again. Was it warped? Throwing my weight against the wood door, it eventually burst open into a cloud of steam, revealing both dogs staring at me. They were soaking wet and actively being sprayed in the face with a jet of hot water. We seemed to be equally dumbfounded.

During their endless roughhousing (which I just realized must be named for how rough it is on your unfortunate house), one of our little darlings must have turned the valve for the hot water. 

No problem! Sexy Nerd and I have invested a bunch of money in a top-of-the-line leak detector for our home. In fact, if you follow me on Facebook (you do follow me on Facebook, right?), you may recall how well this gizmo works. 

From Facebook:
It's so tragic, it's funny...ARE YOU KIDDING ME, NEW HOUSE?! 😅
I'm sick with a cold and have been looking forward to taking a hot bath. Old soul that I am, I added lavender Epsom salt to the tub, made a cup of tea, and put a deep conditioning treatment in my hair. I have resisted reading my new magazines all day so I could enjoy them while soaking.
The tub filled a quarter of the way with water and shut off. The anti-leak plumbing feature WE PAID EXTRA FOR is an overachiever! I don't know how to reset it and Derek is not home and is not answering his phone.
Oh, and the best part? The house has shut off ALL OF THE WATER. I wanted my hair to be deep conditioned, but this is ridiculous.
Our leak detector is so overzealous when policing our water usage that it has rendered our clawfoot tub to be strictly decorative. An actual leak though? It throws up its electronic shoulders and says, "I'll allow it."

I shut off the valve and went to get our mop. No mop. 

Calling SN, who is conveniently out of town and is therefore unable to help with any cleanup, he initially claimed not to know what mop I was talking about. We never had a mop. When the conversation turned to, "Oh, that mop. That's right. I took it apart," (BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ENGINEERS DO) I hung up and began sweeping the water with a broom.

No problem! We cleverly had a drain installed inside the dog room. I would simply sweep all of the water down the drain and be kicking back with a cup of Tension Tamer tea in no time. Side note: you can most likely tell why I keep this variety of tea on hand.

Oh...

Backed up drain

The reason the water flooded to begin with (you know, to begin with after the crazy dogs and after the malfunctioning leak shutoff) is that Olive and Bernadette have packed the drain absolutely full of crap.

It's mostly little scraps of wood, but there are surprises too. Pebbles, bits of plastic, some drywall, and actual, literal crap. Little darlings.

A message appeared on my phone from SN:

Does the valve look like they were chewing on it or did they just bump it?

Even in times of crisis, I am a smartass:

Bumped it, although we probably couldn't tell if they'd been gnawing on solid metal... except perhaps that all of their teeth would be broken. Poor babies.

At SN's insistence, I found a screwdriver and used it to remove the handles from the wall, lest we repeat this fiasco again tomorrow. A minute later, my phone alerted me to another message:

Thinking it might be best to leave the handles on. I think the stems underneath are plastic. I could only imagine them chewing up the stems and turning on the water at the same time. 

I opened the nearby guest bathroom door to survey the water damage. At least, I tried to open it, as that wood door was also swollen shut. When forced open, the baseboard came with it.

Wet cowhide rug
Another side note: I swore when building our house that there would be one consistent floor tile, not a mix and match from room to room, but here we are. There comes a time in every construction project where your mind turns to mush.

My cowhide rug was not nearly as soaked as I'd feared. I actually just placed this rug in the bathroom one day ago, removing it from the closet it has lived in for the last year. What are the odds?

Now, I know what you are thinking. Olive and Bernadette turned on the water by accident, so it's really not fair to title this post @sshole Dogs. Oh, we haven't even gotten to that part yet.

After checking on the guest bathroom, I returned to the dog room. Something was different. I squinted at the floor, certain that what I was seeing could not possibly be there.

While I'd been momentarily a few steps away, 16-year-old Biscuit had entered the dog room. It was cold outside. Biscuit does not like to go out into the cold. She much prefers to be a jerk. She pooped inside, leaving the icing on the cake of this situation floating across the floor.

Funny dog stories
Bernadette wants to be sure I understand that she had absolutely nothing to do with any of this.

@sshole dogs.

Popular posts from this blog

Cake Mix Pancakes

This reader-favorite recipe is *almost* as popular as my Cake Mix Cookie Bars recipe .  When making Cake Mix pancakes , the scrumptious possibilities are endless. Red Velvet cake mix pancakes. Chocolate cake mix pancakes. Butter Pecan cake mix pancakes. Funfetti cake mix pancakes. (Yes, Funfetti cake mix pancakes!) With this 2-ingredient recipe, you can turn your favorite cake mix into your favorite pancakes. Pancake making at its finest. Cake Mix Pancakes Personally, I think my funny napkin is the icing on the (pan)cake. It's Sunday morning and you're planning to do all the things today - scrub those grody baseboards, polish your quartz countertop that was supposed to be low maintenance but actually isn't at all, sort through the disaster that is the freezer.  While on your superhuman kick, you think I'm going to make my family pancakes for breakfast. Not just any pancakes - the best pancakes ever. I may even serve them as breakfast in bed! You pu

10 Canned Cinnamon Roll Hacks

You're in for a treat. Today I'm sharing my best canned cinnamon roll hacks and improvements for turning store-bought cinnamon rolls, like the Pillsbury Grands ones or even the store brand, into something special.  Dry cinnamon rolls? No thank you. They need to be OOEY and GOOEY. That's just Cinnamon Roll 101. All of these ideas keep Pillsbury canned cinnamon rolls soft, company-worthy, and delicious. These are also great for taking homemade cinnamon rolls up a notch, but what a pain that is. With these better-than-homemade canned cinnamon roll hacks, you'll never bother to bake them from scratch again. Test out some of these ideas tomorrow. Won't it be nice to dig into a mouthwatering cinnamon roll for breakfast? You can't get a better start to your day than that. Canned Cinnamon Roll Hacks Actually, make that 11 easy ways to improve store-bought cinnamon rolls: you can top them with homemade coffee whipped cream . Yum! Nope, make that 12 canned cinnam

Chemical Peel Before & After

This article has been updated! My new chemical peel post, which includes pricing, Jessner peel before and after photos, product recommendations, and a helpful timeline for scheduling your treatments, is at the bottom. My original Jessner peel post (one of the most popular on my site of all time) is at the beginning. Original Chemical Peel Article Considering a chemical peel? I recently underwent my first Jessner peel and thought I'd share my results, post a Jessner peel review, and answer some frequently asked chemical peel questions. (I'm guessing that "Does a chemical peel hurt?" is a biggie!) I'd been planning to order an over-the-counter peel when we were in Iceland , but my computer led me a different direction. I decided to do this on a whim after Groupon greeted me one morning with a great $40 chemical peel deal. Now, I can read your mind. You just gasped in horror and thought  You trusted your face to a  discount  chemical peel?!  You're wondering w

How to Move a Mattress

My site is popular for reviewing memory foam mattresses. With today's bed-in-a-box options lasting much longer than the traditional 7 years of a spring mattress, there's a good chance you'll eventually need to move one. But how? This is  how to move a mattress  without damaging it - even by yourself!  When we were faced with the challenge of moving our beloved Amerisleep AS3  to our new home, it seemed like my readers would enjoy the details. This handy tip should work for any memory foam bed, including Casper, Leesa, and Nectar.  I'm happy to report there is an extremely simple way to do it. Apartment and dorm dwellers rejoice! How to Move a Mattress At first, I wasn't sure how to move our king-size mattress down a flight of stairs. It's a problem we've dreaded solving ever since we made the decision to build a new house.  The answer? It was right in the back of our truck.  Ratchet straps . This solution could also serve as a 'How To' for returning

Hello Fresh Complaints

Hello, my bloggy friends. I have a HelloFresh complaint and believe they are pulling a scam. Yours truly came *this close* to falling for it.  Maybe scam is too harsh of a word. Sneaky? You can decide for yourself. The fact that there are so many Hello Fresh complaints online does seem suspicious. My main complaint about Hello Fresh has to do with their promotional rate, which seems like it is set up to be intentionally misleading (more on this below). Despite so many people complaining about being charged more than they thought they'd agreed to, Hello Fresh maintains this as part of their business model and continues to mislead. So it's intentional, right? I do not recommend Hello Fresh. For starters, the service is just ingredients-by-mail with recipes, not meals. You can buy your own ingredients for much less, especially now that most grocery stores conveniently offer pickup and delivery. Excellent recipes are easy to find.  Click here for a list of top-rated, reader-favorit

Window Seat Idea - Dream Home Inspiration of the Day

See it? Waaay at the back of the photo?  I like how the window seat extends past the window all the way to the wall. How about you? If that's not your style, how about one of these lovely window seats? I'll seat you, my pretty, and your little dog too. How perfect would this be in a home office? I'd swap out that wimpy rug with a larger one.

My Instant Pot Explosion!

Like many new Instant Pot owners, I've wondered, How many Instant Pots have exploded?  (Eeek!) I'm happy to report that my research on Snopes and other sites has shown that these do not explode, at least not when used properly. There is a lawsuit between a woman in Texas and the Instant Pot manufacturer, but she admits she had thrown a towel over the steam vent. Do NOT do this.  Still concerned? Consider that on Prime Day of 2018, Amazon sold more than 300,000 Instant Pots. That's more than a quarter of a million sales in only 1 day! If these things were not safe, you would see news stories every day about someone being injured. Still, things can go wrong. We love our Instant Pot, the digital pressure cooker that seems to suddenly be in every home. You can't mess up - just throw in random ingredients and you'll get something yummy every time. It's foolproof. At least, that's how I used to feel about our Instant Pot, until the explosion... Inst

3 Minute Toaster/Convection Oven Smores

These are perfect when you're craving a quick, sugary treat. They work equally well in a toaster oven and a convection oven. Best of all, compared to eating an entire bag of Oreos (something I have never  done), they're quite healthy. What's that, you say? You already know how to make s'mores in the toaster oven? Well then, sit back and enjoy the ooey-gooey marshmallowy photos. (And if you're someone who works with me, please keep the "I've seen her polish off an entire bag of Oreo cookies" nonsense to yourself.)  Step 1: Put desired amount of graham crackers on a toaster oven/convection oven-safe pan.   Looks like it's time to clean this pan, Sexy Nerd Optional 1st step, which is Sexy Nerd's favorite: Spread peanut butter on each graham cracker (I'm not much of a peanut butter fan - WHAT?!? - so I skip this step.) Cover with yummy marshmallows. Top with chocolate chips. Place in the toaster o

Christmas Memes and More

Inspired by the popularity of my other memes posts, Funny Memes and Dog Memes , I have a new collection of memes for you to enjoy. I waste my life on the internet so you don't have to. Bookmark this post because I'll be adding to it as I find new memes for Xmas. Christmas Memes and More Fair warning that some of these are in poor taste. Isn't that usually the funniest meme?

Reuzel: Grooming Tonic Industry Review

I'm looking out for you, my bloggy friends. At my last haircut, the hairdresser shared his favorite hair product of all time, REUZEL (which I'd never heard of), with me and I had enough sense to get the details to share with you. He didn't even have a bottle of it to sell me. It was a genuine, honest review. Also, are they still called hairdressers? Is this the equivalent of calling your flight attendant a stewardess? Stylist? Barber? Reuzel  Grooming Tonic Review You know those men who have the softest, most perfect hair and it seems so unfair because most men don't even care about their hair? (Or so they say.) I think this is their secret. While you're here, be sure to read my  funny haircut story . Geez, I'm awkward. The fact that I was brave enough to ask to take this photo at the salon is proof I love my blog readers. Never heard of it? That's probably because Reuzel Grooming Tonic is marketed toward men. From reading their endless 5-star reviews, men