I think what makes me the most upset is that this was the first time I've ever been paid to write anything. I felt like a "real" writer. It probably seems silly to people who actually make their living through writing, but with nothing else to go on, it was a big deal to me. I still submitted my blog post, but it was about 12 hours late! I hope BlogHer will still use it, but I wouldn't be surprised if they don't.
Sexy Nerd has been waiting for me to turn off my computer and come to bed, but I feel like I need to write out my thoughts before I'll have any chance of falling asleep tonight. There are so many little things going on in my life right now and they're all bunching up into a mess in my mind.
In addition to planning holiday travel to 2 different cities for myself and Sexy Nerd, I've been making (and changing and canceling!) hotel and flight reservations for my boss and her family, as well as trying to think of a fun vacation my parents, who do not travel well, can take for my dad's 60th birthday. Less than 12 hours after I return from our trip, I'm scheduled to have my wisdom teeth extracted! I'm nervous about the procedure on its own, but am also needing to get 3 prescriptions filled beforehand and I'll need to remember to bring 2 of them on our vacation and take them the day we fly home, then not eat or drink anything shortly after we land. I'm not sure what to do with our dogs while we're away and I still haven't booked our hotel for the first city. The hotel for the second city is booked, but I'm afraid that I chose a horrible place to stay and our reservation is non-refundable.
Is that all? No. The holidays are such a social time and I simply can't cope with social situations. I've tried. Remember my jury duty post a few months ago? Remember how I had a panic attack and cried in the courtroom? We have a cookie exchange at work on Monday and I'm worried that my cookies are going to be embarassingly bad. I'm also going out with the girls at work for a holiday dinner on Thursday. It's for a restaurant I've never been to and I made the reservation. What if it's our worst holiday dinner ever? I think everyone at work looks forward to it and I'd hate to have anything to do with them being disappointed. Geez, this seems so silly as I'm writing it. It's funny the little things that get to you.
There are other things weighing on me at the moment (socializing with my family on Christmas, cleaning our house, getting my car washed, hoping that my car doesn't break down or have another crazy electrical problem, going into work tomorrow, deciding whether or not Sexy Nerd and I should try to have a baby (!), organizing my office, deciding what to wear tomorrow, buying sweaters for the dogs even though Sexy Nerd insists that dogs don't need sweaters because they are dogs, returning a dress I ordered that is too big, using 5 great coupons before they expire on the 24th, burning a CD that I promised to a friend, returning my mom's 2 calls eventually, figuring out a time to go see a David Sedaris holiday play that is only running this week).
See how small her sweater is?
It's funny. I don't think I seem at all like the type of person who is bothered by things like what I've mentioned here. Usually, I'm likely to shrug off stressful situations and tell others that things will work out. Little concerns, when piled on top of each other, have just always had a way of getting to me though. When I was 16, all the tiny problems stacked up so much that I tried to kill myself. Today, I can't even remember what it was like to feel that way, only that it was like nothing I ever want to go through again. I don't think I will. How can any amount of problems be enough to justify something so drastic? Other than the little daily stresses, I'm the happiest I've ever been with my life! When I feel anxious, I think back to when I was a teenager. It helps me put things into perspective. So what if we have the worst vacation ever (although, it would be hard to outdo our Costa cruise in the category of crappy vacations)? Yes, I'll be uncomfortable with all the social situations I'm forced into over the next couple weeks, but they'll be over soon and no matter how awkward they seem to me, to everyone else they will probably be unmemorable.
Whew. This post has gone on and on. I set out to clear my thoughts so that I could hopefully fall asleep tonight and wrote more than I'd expected. I don't feel any less stressed. If anything, my heart feels like it's beating a bit faster than when I started. I think I'll go take an Ambien and get to bed.
I love blogging.