Skip to main content

Why am I Sad? Depression is Weird

Update: Don't freak out over this blog post. My spirit animal is basically a lemming and has been since I was 16, but I'm still here today. Depression isn't always like you see in Zoloft commercials. You never know for sure who is suffering. I've considered going to see a professional, but 95% of the time I am the happiest person around. Sad me can't make the appointment and happy me thinks it's unnecessary. I think I've mentioned the things in this post in such a casual way because they've been a part of my life for so long, always hovering, that I tend to feel very casually toward them. And this was never intended to be a childhood trauma post. The point was that if I want to go anywhere with someone, SN and my mom are my only options. I have no friends. I don't know what to do about that.

My sleep doctor says I can't sleep because I am depressed. No, I am depressed because I can't sleep.

I found something really great for us to do today. It's a wine tasting at Pasando Tiempo Winery, Corrales Winery, and Acequia Winery in Corrales, NM. Nine wines will be paired with nine desserts. There's also a farmers' market with green chile roasting and antique shops and lots of other fun things to do in Corrales and the weather is perfect today. SN won't go. We've agreed multiple times that we're going to split our weekends into one day at home and one day out of the house, but he has honored that agreement exactly zero times since we moved in a year ago.

Which wine pairs best with chocolate pie?

SN says I should go to the wine and dessert tasting with my mom. It makes me sad that my mom is my only other option. We had a rocky time, especially during my teenage years (something most women can probably say about their own moms), but some things she did crossed the line. I was not a bad person or stupid or a slut or a bitch or any of her other derogatory claims. When you're calling a 6-year-old a bitch, what does that say about you? What kind of parent screams that they are going to put you up for adoption? (To be fair, that last part happened only once.) Without getting into specifics (it's nothing rapey), I've always suspected that I'm physically unable to have children because of her cruel parenting. And would I suffer from social anxiety today if she hadn't always been so quick to insist that I was going to be embarrassed and regret my actions and be sorry for everything I said and did? Even at dinner the other night, I made a lighthearted joke about not staying to help the new owners if my boss ever sold her dental practice. My mom's response was to say the new owners would not want me to stay anyway.

Back to the wine pairing (the entire point of this ramble), my relationship with my mom was the best it had ever been a few years ago. It was actually really great, like if this puzzle piece that had been missing my entire life had finally been found, and I would have been glad to invite her to join me today. We were friends. I was so happy. Then, I went to London against her wishes and missed my brother's graduation (which he told me in advance was completely fine) as well as the party she was throwing for him. She turned on me. All the progress we'd made with our tumultuous relationship, she threw away. I had my 30th birthday, a miscarriage, and was severely depressed and suicidal. I can't get back to the place I was before and I won't allow myself to trust her again, not like that.

To clarify, my mom wasn't a monster and she's not an evil person and she tried her best. I have many fond memories from my childhood that can be attributed to her. The things above are just some of the specifics that run on repeat in my brain when I'm feeling depressed. My dad was terrible too. No one is perfect.

So here's the thing about this blog post. I woke up this morning feeling like I should kill myself, though I was not actually at risk of doing so. I was just sort of neutral about it, like I have nothing better to do, today and in general, so why not just end it all? That's how I expect I will die, but not today and not while my parents or SN are still alive because I can't do that to them. (At least, that's my goal. Try to tell that to my crazy brain when I'm really down.)(Also, I just re-read that last part and thought it important to clarify that I would never do a murder-suicide thing either. I think that's despicable. Well, not in cases where both parties agree to it, like if one is sick and is suffering and wants to be killed, but then I suppose it shouldn't be considered murder anyway. This is quickly getting controversial and off-topic though.) I started this post with a million sad things circling in my mind and I was going to write them all down because I thought it might help, but I've barely started and I already feel better. I don't want to mention or think about anything else that's negative. So, I guess that's it for now. Sorry.

Comments

  1. A contractor is surely an individual that has met each of the criteria, both testing and experience,
    too apply for a license through state, county or citty municipalities.
    You might also check their license status and complaints while usung State Contractor Licensure and Regulatory
    Commission plus your Better Business Bureau (BBB). Keep in your
    mind tat they're making recommendations depending on what makes them money, not at all times laptop computer for you.



    You are so awesome! I do not think I have read a single thing like this before.

    So nice to discover someone with some original thoughts on this issue.
    Seriously.. many thanks for starting this up. This web site is somethung
    that is needed on the internet, someone with a
    bit of originality!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great article, just what I needed.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It is actually a great and helpful piece
    of information. I am satisfied that you just shared this useful information with us.
    Please stay us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ridiculous story there. What occurred after? Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know a few of
    the pictures aren't loading properly. I'm not sure why but I think its a linking issue.

    I've tried it in two different web browsers and both
    show the same outcome.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's actually a nice and useful piece of information. I'm satisfied that you
    shared this helpful info with us. Please stay us informed like this.
    Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Yesterday, my blog made a whopping 2 cents. I'm blogging just for your comments! Thank you for making my day.

Popular Posts from Kitty Deschanel:

Jessner Peel Photos: A Blogger's Before & After Guide to Chemical Peels

A Handy "Before & After" Guide to Chemical Peels - 7/6/18 Update
Since posting my Jessner peel photos, detailing the stages of the process, and writing my chemical peel blog review back in 2013, I've had quite a few Jessner peels (my favorite) and TCA peels. However, I've saved a ton of money over the past 6 months by doing my own chemical peels at home. At my last professional peel, I made a note of the product being used and did some research when I got home. I was able to buy the exact same one, Dermalure Jessner Solution Acid Peel 14%, from Amazon for less than the cost of a single peel. I also use Dermalure's AHA/BHA Acne Cleanser, which I apply before the Jessner. (Side note: There's currently a 1-star review for the at-home peel that complains "I had to deal with days upon days of gross peeling and flakey chunks of skin falling off my face (and I have super oily skin). If I happened to laugh really hard on a particular day or take a big bite ou…

The Ultimate Amerisleep Mattress Reviews Blog Post

Best Amerisleep Promo Code as of : $250 Off and free shipping both ways...not that you'll want to return it.

This is the ultimate Amerisleep mattresses blog post, featuring unbiased reviews collected over more than 6 years of ownership, photos, videos, FAQs, and more. There's additional sleep and Amerisleep-related information if you click my How to Sleep Better tab above. As a chronic insomniac (yes, even as a baby - my family insists I was a nightmare), the struggle to improve my sleep night after night is my life.


Memory foam mattress in a box - the future is here!

Disclaimer: 
These Amerisleep mattress reviews are NOT sponsored. Not in any way whatsoever. Unlike other "impartial" reviewers out there, I did NOT receive my Liberty Bed (AS3) for free. All of the opinions here are 100% my own. This is not a sponsored blog post and I have never been employed by Amerisleep. Unlike other "unbiased and impartial" sites out there, which churn out mattress reviews da…

Instant Pot Explosion

While you're here, please be sure to check out my Instant Pot recipes: Creamy Enchilada Rice and Cranberry Oatmeal with Quinoa
We love our Instant Pot, the digital pressure cooker that seems to suddenly be in every home. You can't mess up - just throw in random ingredients and you'll get something yummy every time. It's foolproof. At least, that's how I used to feel about our Instant Pot, until the explosion...

Ack! We just moved in and look what I've already done to my brand new, all-white kitchen!
I tried to re-seal the vent but the pressure was too high to cooperate. I'm honestly not sure what went wrong with this batch of oatmeal. I've made it a million times. The Instant Pot was only about halfway full.

Here is the link to my extra-healthy Super Oatmeal Instant Pot recipe, in case you are curious or a fan of the delicious. It probably won't explode when you make it.
Oatmeal? More like a batch of tasty homemade glue.
 I was bummed that my quic…

Dream Home Dreaming

*Update*
We've finally broken ground on our mountain dream home! Can you believe it? Even more surprising, we actually managed to work a good chunk of this list into our actual design. See below for details.

*Another Update*
We've finished construction and are finally living in our mountain dream home and it's even better than I'd hoped! Here is a sneak-peak of our new kitchen and living room. Click the "Decorating" button above for more photos.

Believe it or not, our budget was meager. Really! My husband built the coffee table from an olive trunk and did the thin brick backsplash himself. Eventually, he's going to take the brick all the way to the top of the ceiling. He also created the three-tier chandeliers (three chandeliers total - yeah, he's pretty great!). 
I was responsible for all of the shopping and decorating decisions and design details and layout. We had the tongue-and-groove installed upside down (rough-side down) with Sherwin Williams H…

A Nightmare Jessner Peel Side Effect

Almost as popular as my Amerisleep mattress reviews, the Jessner chemical peel post here on my blog has been a reader favorite for years. I'm still doing my own peels at home and still recommend this to anyone concerned about acne scars or wrinkles. However, last night I did have a Jessner peel scare.

As written before, timing is everything with a chemical peel. You don't want pieces of dead skin (yuck, right?) flaking off at work or at important social events. I've wanted to do one for months but things kept getting in the way, like extra days spent at work and our recent trip to California. Finally, last night I was able to treat myself to an at-home Jessner peel. (Using this product from Amazon, in case you want to try it for yourself.) I've done this so many times that the steps are automatic. I applied three layers of Jessner solution, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Snuggled into our new mattress and a mountain of blankets, I fell into a deep sleep. I dreamed…

Cranberry Oatmeal with Quinoa - Instant Pot Recipe

In response to my popular Instant Pot Explosion blog post, I've had a few blog readers ask for my oatmeal recipe. This seems a bit odd...you guys aren't trying to recreate that gooey mess in your own kitchens, right? My recipe does make delicious, foolproof Instant Pot oatmeal. It's only for patient people though. Whatever you do, do not manually release the pressure valve at the end of the cooking cycle!

Super oatmeal. See the little specks? That's part of what makes it so super.
The best thing about my recipe is that it's much healthier than regular oatmeal recipes. Start your day with this and you can feel better about all those cookies and fried donuts and ice cream (I have a bit of a sweet tooth) you munch on throughout the rest of the day. This can also be made in a slow cooker or Crock Pot. I've been cooking up batches of my Super Oatmeal for years, long before I'd heard of the Instant Pot, and have even gifted the dry ingredients to health-conscious…

Family Size Bed (Because a King Mattress is Too Small)

Look! Up In The Sky! It's a Bird. It's a Plane. It's...

(cue suspenseful music)

DUN NAH NUH
What's bigger than a king-size Amerisleep mattress? An Amerisleep Superbed!

As you know, my nerdy engineer husband, SN, and I recently ordered two new twin XL mattresses from Amerisleep. The AS4 bed didn't work out for us (too soft and mushy for our taste) but we loved the extra-firm AS2 bed. It's perfect for people who sleep on their back (SN) and on their stomach (me). SN liked it even better than the AS3 bed we'd slept on since 2012 and I thought it was at least equal to that mattress, which is now making our relatives happy in the guest bedroom. The AS2 costs a little less than the AS3 and a lot less than the AS4. Who would have thought the less expensive option would be the better choice, right? Money really doesn't buy happiness.
(Okay, in all honesty, I think I prefer the AS3 just a hair over the AS2. Your first choice is usually the right choice.)

We loved our …

Look Extra Amazing This Holiday - Zenmed Giveaway

You already know this post is all about sharing details on Zenmed products, but let me start with a few photos to illustrate how difficult it is for a new beauty product, let alone several, to win a place in my daily rotation.


As you can see, I have quite a few beauty items - lotions, serums, cleansers, etc. - cluttering my bathroom counter. I could also use a new clock, but I'm sentimental and the one I received in Kindergarten still works so well.
That's not so bad, you think? Oh, it gets better.

There may be a beauty product addiction at play here. Vitamins too, but I've already confessed to that here on this blog. If I recall correctly, I said I was not going to keep purchasing vitamins and supplements because they are a scam and a waste of money, possibly even a detriment to my health. But here we are.

Now you know why SN built me so many bathroom drawers. You don't even want to know what's in the cabinets. (Drawer fronts coming soon...or so I'm told.)
As with …

Flooring Ideas

Ever since we purchased our 13.1 acre (gotta get credit for that extra 0.1 acre!) lot outside of Albuquerque last year, Sexy Nerd and I have devoted most of our free time to planning our mountain dream home.

We cannot make a decision about anything. At this point, it seems our best option would be to build a row of townhomes, each in a completely different style. On Monday, we would live in our colorful Victorian home, and later in the week we could switch things up in our ultra-contemporary, all concrete house.

Since I can't imagine our neighborhood HOA (or our budget) ever allowing such a thing, we really do need to narrow down our list of ideas.

Flooring is a tough choice. In our current home, we have premium laminate flooring. It stands up well against our rambunctious dogs, but is easily damaged if you unknowingly drip water onto it and let it sit, like by the dog's water bowl and the dishwasher. We also have real wood flooring on our stairs and our bedroom sitting area,…