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Why am I Sad? Depression is Weird

Update: Don't freak out over this blog post. My spirit animal is basically a lemming and has been since I was 16, but I'm still here today. Depression isn't always like you see in Zoloft commercials. You never know for sure who is suffering. I've considered going to see a professional, but 95% of the time I am the happiest person around. Sad me can't make the appointment and happy me thinks it's unnecessary. I think I've mentioned the things in this post in such a casual way because they've been a part of my life for so long, always hovering, that I tend to feel very casually toward them. And this was never intended to be a childhood trauma post. The point was that if I want to go anywhere with someone, SN and my mom are my only options. I have no friends. I don't know what to do about that.

My sleep doctor says I can't sleep because I am depressed. No, I am depressed because I can't sleep.

I found something really great for us to do today. It's a wine tasting at Pasando Tiempo Winery, Corrales Winery, and Acequia Winery in Corrales, NM. Nine wines will be paired with nine desserts. There's also a farmers' market with green chile roasting and antique shops and lots of other fun things to do in Corrales and the weather is perfect today. SN won't go. We've agreed multiple times that we're going to split our weekends into one day at home and one day out of the house, but he has honored that agreement exactly zero times since we moved in a year ago.

Which wine pairs best with chocolate pie?

SN says I should go to the wine and dessert tasting with my mom. It makes me sad that my mom is my only other option. We had a rocky time, especially during my teenage years (something most women can probably say about their own moms), but some things she did crossed the line. I was not a bad person or stupid or a slut or a bitch or any of her other derogatory claims. When you're calling a 6-year-old a bitch, what does that say about you? What kind of parent screams that they are going to put you up for adoption? (To be fair, that last part happened only once.) Without getting into specifics (it's nothing rapey), I've always suspected that I'm physically unable to have children because of her cruel parenting. And would I suffer from social anxiety today if she hadn't always been so quick to insist that I was going to be embarrassed and regret my actions and be sorry for everything I said and did? Even at dinner the other night, I made a lighthearted joke about not staying to help the new owners if my boss ever sold her dental practice. My mom's response was to say the new owners would not want me to stay anyway.

Back to the wine pairing (the entire point of this ramble), my relationship with my mom was the best it had ever been a few years ago. It was actually really great, like if this puzzle piece that had been missing my entire life had finally been found, and I would have been glad to invite her to join me today. We were friends. I was so happy. Then, I went to London against her wishes and missed my brother's graduation (which he told me in advance was completely fine) as well as the party she was throwing for him. She turned on me. All the progress we'd made with our tumultuous relationship, she threw away. I had my 30th birthday, a miscarriage, and was severely depressed and suicidal. I can't get back to the place I was before and I won't allow myself to trust her again, not like that.

To clarify, my mom wasn't a monster and she's not an evil person and she tried her best. I have many fond memories from my childhood that can be attributed to her. The things above are just some of the specifics that run on repeat in my brain when I'm feeling depressed. My dad was terrible too. No one is perfect.

So here's the thing about this blog post. I woke up this morning feeling like I should kill myself, though I was not actually at risk of doing so. I was just sort of neutral about it, like I have nothing better to do, today and in general, so why not just end it all? That's how I expect I will die, but not today and not while my parents or SN are still alive because I can't do that to them. (At least, that's my goal. Try to tell that to my crazy brain when I'm really down.)(Also, I just re-read that last part and thought it important to clarify that I would never do a murder-suicide thing either. I think that's despicable. Well, not in cases where both parties agree to it, like if one is sick and is suffering and wants to be killed, but then I suppose it shouldn't be considered murder anyway. This is quickly getting controversial and off-topic though.) I started this post with a million sad things circling in my mind and I was going to write them all down because I thought it might help, but I've barely started and I already feel better. I don't want to mention or think about anything else that's negative. So, I guess that's it for now. Sorry.

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